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In the old days, 'regulation' on the waterways was
something hireboat companies used to do to narrow boat engines, to stop hirers
from thrashing them too hard... and the typical hirer regarded it as a matter
of personal pride to locate the regulator or speed governor and disable it
within a quarter mile of leaving the boatyard, once the staff had completed the
handover instructions ("the sharp end's the front, the blunt end's the back,
here's the shovel for burying the toilet contents and that's the bucket for
bailing-out the bilges")
But that's not the kind of 'regulation' that the title
refers to: I refer to the ever-growing list of rules, conditions, statutes,
codes of practice and strictures without which the safety of the waterways
would undoubtedly be severely compromised.
After all, anyone who remembers the 1960s will know that the
canals were veritable death-traps in those days, with hardly an hour going by
without a drowning or a gas explosion. Boating accidents crippled people every
day, and on the towpath the screams of the walking wounded matched those of the
crowds of 'Beatles' fans also prevalent in those long-distant days... But
thanks to the many regulations imposed since then, the canals nowadays are far
safer for everyone to enjoy from their Boat Safety Scheme-certified
Recreational Craft Directive-compliant back-cabin, or - for those unfortunates
who have been priced-off the canals by the cost of conforming to the new
standards - from the window of their car as they cross a canal bridge, happy in
the knowledge that only 3500 people die every year on Britain's roads...
One might assume that with the BSC, the RCD, the CDM, IHC,
NBG, FUBAR and the whole panoply of regulation that this implies, the canals
were now safe enough that no further improvement was necessary. But one would
be very wrong. Even as this issue goes to press, the newspapers are once again
full of stories showing with crystal clarity how the fact that a number of
people died in an accident in a different kind of boat on a different kind of
waterway 12 years ago makes it so important to mess around with the easy-target
pleasure boaters on the narrow canals yet again, and the struggle for the Holy
Grail of 100% accident-free waterways blunders gloriously on....
There are - of course - a few old die-hard boaters who
refuse to accept that things have moved on since the 1960s, that we need to
keep abreast of the times, that the Beatles have split up, that 'the times they
are a-changing' (OK actually that's a Bob Dylan song, but you get the idea.)
and who regard the imposition of more regulation on an industry with no
statistically-significant safety issues as senseless. These guys are banging
their heads on a brick wall - let's hope they're wearing WRG-issue
BS5240-standard hard-hats!
As most boating accidents involve boats, it makes sense that
most regulations to avoid boating accidents are concerned with boats. There!
You can't get much more sensible than that, can you?
And so we had first the Certificate of Compliance, then the
Boat Safety Certificate, and now the European Recreational Craft Directive -
each imposing more regulations to ensure the safe construction and maintenance
of craft. And as each one has driven more unsafe craft off the cut, so each one
has statistically reduced the number of boating accidents. Of course even if
the boats weren't unsafe at all, driving a percentage of boaters off the cut
would still have had a statistical effect in reducing accidents, but that just
shows that statistics in unsafe hands can prove anything. (On the subject of
stats: note the use in this article of vague terms such as 'most' rather than
actual percentages - you might think that this implies a lack of real
statistics on boating accidents; in fact it is because some busybodies get
suspicious when the only percentages that ever appear concerning boat accidents
seems to be 0%, 33-and-a-third %, 50% or 100% - I can't think why.)
Anyway, thanks to the BSC and the RCD, boaters are now
familiar with the gas test point, the need for every cabin to have two exits,
the requirement to withstand 0.4 metre waves, the regulations outlawing noisy
and polluting engines, and the labels saying 'diesel' and 'water' on the tank
inlets. But there's more to come...
Chatting to my old mate Jeff Dolittle of the Department of
Environment, Transport, the Regions and Narrow Boat Regulations, I asked him
for any clues to the new modifications necessary to my GUCCCo Town Class motor
'Milton Keynes' to keep the old girl safe. In exchange for the usual
sum, Jeff ventured the following information...
Gas test points will need to be fitted with gas test point
test points and the gas test point test points will need to be fitted with gas
test point test point test points. All cabins will need one exit for every
person permitted to occupy them - so no queueing to get out in an emergency:
everyone will be able to make their way independently to the lifeboats. A
twelve-berth hire-cruiser will need twelve cabin doors. A traditional narrow
boat back-cabin with a family of six living in it will probably need to have
most of the cabin sides removed and the roof supported on tent-poles...
Given that most locks are a lot deeper than 0.4 metres, and
the dangerous upper gate paddles are to be reinstated, the 'significant wave
height' requirement has been increased - to 18 metres, the height of the
tallest lock on the system with gate-paddles (Bingley 5-rise, as it happens).
As typical narrow boat cabin roofs are only 6 feet above the waterline, that
means boats will have to be watertight enough to be completely submerged to a
depth of over 50 feet without any water leaking in.
"But hang on", I asked Jeff, "The only narrow boat
I've ever heard of being sunk 50 feet underwater was 'Unspoilt by Progress II'
on its trip to the Black Sea!"
"Was it really? That's useful - we've had some annoying
bloke from IWA head office pestering us to give one single example of a case
where the new regulation would help prevent an accident. I think you've just
found us one - thanks!"
The EU emission regulations are already about to require
all those annoying noisy smelly old diesels to be replaced with clean, quiet,
modern lightweight units that most EU countries other than Britain produce.
(while those canal societies operating traditional trip-boats will be delighted
to hear that the breeding programme for silent and emission-free horses is
progressing well). But improving the engine so it makes less noise, smell and
smoke than an FFD-equipped gas cooker has highlighted an unexpected problem:
thanks to the lack of noise and smoke from the engine, the inspectors started
to notice just how noisy and smelly the average boat cooker is. So the next
generation of gas cookers will have to produce bubble-and-squeak at no more
than 70 decibels and pass a smoke emission test based on the worst-case
scenario of getting a spring mattress on the prop and the boat going hard
aground two minutes before a full cooked breakfast is due to be served to the
entire crew. The first model incorporating these refinements will be available
shortly from all BW-owned marinas.
Other on-board appliances will be subject to similar
noise-reduction requirements, including the fridge, the whistling kettle, the
bilge pump and the annoying thing that serves no discernable purpose but goes
"WHIRRRRRRR CLUNK CLUNK WHIRRRRRRRRR" somewhere under the bed at 3am every
night on almost all budget hireboats.
Finally the 'Fuel' and 'Water' signs will be supplemented by
'Mud' signs on the mudbox, 'Weed' signs on the weed-hatch, 'Front' and 'Back'
signs on the ends of the boat, 'sh*t' signs on the toilet and 'Food' signs on
the fridge - and the fridge's compartments will have signs showing where to put
the milk, the meat, the vegetables and of course the eggs (where there will be
a separate small brass plaque explaining sucking techniques, for the benefit of
any elderly female relatives of the boaters).
"And will the glasses all need to be labelled 'Beer' and
'Wine' and so on?" I asked Jeff.
"Good heavens, no! Haven't you heard - they're banning
all drinking on boats - that's part of the Alcoholic Beverages on Vessels (ABV)
regulations. I was just discussing them with Gerry Smallmind from the Ministry
of Pointless Bureaucracy."
Of course I had heard of them - I wrote about them in the
last 'Waterways' - but they had slipped my mind, probably thanks to the
seven pints of BCN Old Main Line Mild that I'd got through by that point.
Suffice it to say that in another clear example of the basic
good sense behind all this regulation, the powers-that-be have decided that as
most boating accidents happen to boaters, so it makes good sense to impose more
regulation on boaters - by bringing boaters into line with car drivers (for
example by imposing the same alcohol limits), based on road system's
magnificent safety record of less than 1.5 MPW. (Marchionesses Per Week)
As spokesman Andy Bland of the Department of Tidy Little
People with Tidy Little Minds put it: "We want to establish a consistent
approach across all forms of transport and we do not want any exceptions."
So in the interest of 'establishing a consistent approach'
the breathalyser will be to be followed by a new Waterway Code based directly
on the Highway Code: all boaters must learn the stopping distances at 1, 2, 3
and 4 mph, observe the new floating white lines that delineate the 'boating
lanes' and show whether overtaking is allowed, obey 'Give Way' and 'Stop' signs
at junctions (traffic lights and roundabouts at the major ones), and remember
that streetlights on urban canals indicate a lower speed restriction. (as well
as helping vandals to see what they're smashing up at night) In line with
existing trailer laws, towing butties will be the subject of such complex and
contradictory regulations that everyone will simply ignore them and do as they
please (until a butty out of control careers off the canal onto a railway track
and the resulting collision kills 15 people) and defective windscreen wiper
blades and non-functioning indicators and brake-lights will be added to the
list of BSC failure worries.
But that's not all - remember, it was a 'consistent approach
across all forms of transport' - not just roads and waterways. So in line with
railway practice all canals will be equipped with signals, in the event of a
'Signal Passed At Danger' (SPAD) the Boat Protection and Warning System will
automatically stop the boat (and the boater will be disciplined, lose his job
and possibly go to jail.) Narrow canals will be treated as 'single track' and
all boats will need 'token' for authority to use each section. All new boats
will have to have electric sliding doors that will only open when the boat is
stationary. And every time there is the slightest scrape between two boats,
there will be a Public Inquiry and it will appear on the front page of the
national newspapers.
Bus and tram manufacturers have been coming to terms with
the Disability Access regulations for some time now - so surely it will be no
problem for new narrow boats to provide level wheelchair access - although
maintaining this level access while the boat is ascending or descending in a
lock may prove problematical.
Finally, following rules for airliners (remember: 'a
consistent approach across all forms of transport'), boats will need a steerer
and co-steerer each with their own tiller and throttle controls, there will be
a safety video shown every time a boat sets off (after receiving official
departure clearance from Boat Traffic Control by VHF radio) and all crew will
wear parachutes.
"For use on Pontcysyllte aqueduct I suppose," I
suggested.
"Gosh, you've really been helpful today - that's another
question from that annoying IWA bod dealt with!"
"But how will these new rules be enforced?" I asked.
"Easy - you'll get fined, each offence will carry
'points' which add up, and eventually you'll lose your licence." "Licence?" "Ah
- yes, I was just coming to that. The Boater Vehicle and Licence Authority have
just set up an office on the banks of the Swansea Canal..."
So as expected for a long time, the biggest single omission
in the regulation of boating is finally to be rectified. Look out for 'L'
plates on narrow boats, as people prepare for their boating tests. Watch out
for narrow boats reversing round junctions on the BCN and performing emergency
stops and three-point turns on the Grand Union, and hill-starts at Tardebigge.
But there's more to it than that. The laudable 'consistent
approach across all forms of transport' means dividing boats into various
classifications: after all, you wouldn't expect to drive an articulated truck
on a moped licence!
All vehicles over 7.5 tonnes will be classed as Heavy Goods
Vessels (HGVs) requiring a special driving licence. (In addition, you will have
to learn CB slang and start eating Yorkie Bars). Your boating hours per day
will be limited, with compulsory rest periods and a 24-hour break from boating
every week, and a 'propograph' attached to the boat's propeller will ensure
that you are abiding by the rules. And like the HGVs on the roads, these
vessels will be limited by speed governor to a maximum 20% slower than the
general limit, i.e. 3.2 mph.
Which brings me neatly back to the start of this article,
and the installation of regulators to govern-down the speed of hireboats. There
will not only be more regulations on boating, but also more regulators on
boats!
Finally, one shred of comfort to the benighted souls who
feel that all this regulation is unnecessary: it has been decided the
forthcoming ban on boaters drinking beer means that the emissions regulations
for the boaters themselves - which had been proposed under the EU Foul Air
Reduction Treatise - will be unnecessary, although you will have to hurry if
you are to buy a copy of the recently-published book (available from IWA sales)
'Curry on Canals' before it is banned from publication... |
