You will probably be familiar with the story of the Canals
of Mars.
An early astronomer, aiming his telescope at Mars, thought
he could see a whole system of connected channels covering the planet. He
believed these to be a network of canals built by intelligent Martians to
transport whatever it is that Martians transport around their world, and
subsequently allowed to run dry: presumably by rather less-intelligent
Martians.
Later astronomers, however, failed to find any sign of these
supposed waterways, and decided that they were no more than a trick of the eye,
as the early observer, searching for details as he studied the Red Planet
through his primitive instrument, subconsciously linked whatever minor
unconnected features he could see. More powerful modern telescopes and
un-manned landing craft have seemed to confirm their opinions, and the Martian
canals and their builders have joined the realms of Science Fiction, along with
time machines, androids, starships and boatyards' cost estimates.
In fact, official opinion was that a canal on Mars was about
as likely as a nature conservationist on a canal restoration working party.
Until now.
Some time ago, I was in the Bear and Bolinder
chatting to a mate from NASA about whether I could avoid the possible EU
imposition of road tax on my boat's diesel fuel by buying a couple of old
Saturn 5 engines (after all, they didn't pay any road tax on the Apollo
moonshots, did they?). A couple of pints later, he let slip that the latest
Mars mission had discovered the crumbling remains of a civilisation that had
annihilated itself in a global war less than a century ago. The Aerospace
industries certainly weren't going to admit it in public, because they couldn't
stand the thought of being shown up by the UFO-spotters whose stories of alien
life they had been debunking with glee for the last 40 years or so. But here in
IWA, we're a cynical bunch who have our doubts about any sign of intelligent
life in Westminster and Watford, let alone Mars, so it shouldn't cause much of
a stir...
Anyway, one of the Martian ruins contained the remains of a
small library, and the academic community's finest linguists had been brought
in to try to translate the alien manuscripts. Most of these were boring
scientific works on subjects like the key to space travel, curing all known
diseases, squaring the circle and getting Government ministers to stick to
their pre-election promises. However, one was of great interest - a copy of a
canal magazine apparently called Waterways Planet. In exchange for
giving him some help with translating the canal terminology - the NASA guys
were getting a bit stuck on words like 'Gongoozler' and 'Uxters' - he kindly
allowed me to read the translation of the magazine.
In a flash, all became clear. The Martian Canals are not a
figment of an astronomer's imagination at all. The only reason we haven't seen
them for the last 100 years is because they have become derelict! One
only has to read the rather depressing editorial to see the old familiar story
unfolding....
| "Unless some funding for improvements
to the water supply can be found, we can see the system being closed down for
most of the year.... as the only water supplies available are permanently
frozen into the polar ice-caps, this may prove difficult...." |
As I continued to read it I began to realise the gravity of
the situation (about 38% of the Earth's gravity, as it happens)....
| "Once again the amount of freight
transported on our canals is in decline; we cannot hold out much hope for the
survival of the system if anybody ever invents railways or roads...." |
...while one story caught my eye, and confirmed my
suspicions concerning the fate of the Martian Canals....
| "We are sorry to have to disappoint
you concerning the existence of the so-called 'Canals of Earth'. Many years
ago, an early observer turned his telescope toward the 'Blue Planet' - in
particular the southern part of the small island of Xrodvmff, just off the
north west coast of the largest land-mass - and believed he could see a whole
network of connected waterways linking the Zoggg, Qqmramff, Orgdozmittfd and
Jwelbrmxxtv rivers. [these appear to translate as 'Severn', 'Thames',
'Avon' and 'Arun' ...Reg] However, recent observations using more powerful
instruments show no evidence for these 'canals'; it appears that it was simply
a 'trick of the eye', as the early observer, searching for detail,
subconsciously linked together the various shallow ponds and dry ditches that
seem to be a feature of this area...." |
As you may expect, the waterway restoration movement has
lost no time at all in promoting the restoration of the Martian system; after
all, here is a network of thousands of miles of historic waterways waiting to
be restored, all of which are untroubled by BW franchising, the IWAAC review on
restoration priorities, the Birmingham Northern Relief Road and the Nature
Conservationists. Mind you, I'm not too sure about the last one: I don't
suppose the lack of any evidence for any living organisms on an entire planet
is necessarily enough to stop the Nature lobby from sticking their oar in.
Already the first Martian WRG Canal Camp has taken place, on
the Tyrrhena, Barabashov and Acidalia canal (the TBA for short). The Camp
Report in Navvies magazine, sub-titled "Take me to your camp
leader" told tales of the usual hard work...
"keeping the bonfires going is difficult on a planet with
no oxygen..."
...and the occasional logistical problem...
"How can you possibly run out of sand for the mixer on a
planet that's made of the stuff?"
...plus some more unusual evening entertainments including a
boat ride on the trip-boat through Ddudellei Tunnel...
"...the demonstration of 'legging' was made more
interesting by the fact that the boat was obviously designed to be legged by
someone with at least three legs...."
...not to mention the difficulty in finding a suitable
hostelry on a planet where all traces of civilisation have been wiped out...
"...all the pubs nearby seem to have been completely
ruined..."
...but in general, a good time was had by all, although it
maybe didn't quite match the best terrestrial camps...
"There wasn't quite the same atmosphere as on some camps:
in fact there was only about 1% of the same atmosphere, and most of that was
carbon dioxide."
Plans for next year's camps are already under way; the
Martian year being twice as long as the earth year, this has led to some slight
complications in the schedule. The work for the camps is not yet finalised, but
I'm sure there was something in Navvies about a 'Martian floodgate'...
Meanwhile, IWA have hurriedly renamed the updated Robert
Aickman document "An Intergalactic Waterways Conservancy"...
It has been no secret that in recent years IWA have been
having difficulty finding new sites for the National Waterways Festival. And
wherever it does take place, there always seem to be a few whinges from boaters
inconvenienced by the heavy traffic on nearby waterways. So we are pleased to
announce that the 2001 event will take place on the restored length of the TBA
canal as the 'Interplanetary Waterways Festival'. The Waterspace team have
joined forces with the organisers of the highly-successful boat-lifts to
Belgium and Ireland in recent years, and are already planning the transfer of
narrow boats by Space Shuttle from Cape Canaveral Locks (near Warwick on the
GU) direct to Syrtis Major, under the banner of "2001: a Waterspace
Odyssey". We understand that Chris Coburn intends to take n.b.
Progress there under its own power; we hope this responsible plan by an
experienced boater in a suitable craft does not encourage other
less-experienced boaters to copy him. A team from WRG BITM will also be
travelling there by their own efforts. Or rather, they already are doing: they
are allowing plenty of time to get there and even as I write, Escargot
ET is already being pedalled across the void. If you want to sponsor them
some money towards their appeal to buy a second-hand spaceship, please get in
touch with them. Meanwhile, the exhibitors are starting to book in, including
Blakes boat hire agency, featuring the new Blakes 7 interstellar cabin
cruiser. The Licensed bar facilities will be provided as ever by Bar-Tec, in
this case their extraterrestrial arm, Bar-Tec: Deep Space 9.
Boaters are - as ever - advised to arrive with their toilets
empty and their water tanks full, as they may be some way from the nearest
facilities: somewhere between 90 million and 380 million miles to be precise.
It is hoped that a 'Lavender Module' will be able to dock with individual craft
during the journey to and from the Festival. Then the boaters really will be
able to boldly 'go' where no man has 'gone' before....
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