The Inland Waterways Association's magazine
'Waterways' contains a regular column by 'Reg at Rickmansworth'
on a variety of subjects. In August, Reg forsook his native Hertfordshire
for the IWA National Waterways Festival at Henley on Thames. Unfortunately,
pressure of space meant that Waterways was unable to publish his Henley
diary, but it was felt that it would be a shame not to publish it, and
Waterways editor Harry Arnold agreed for it to appear in
Navvies.....
Thursday
14:00 Arrive at Henley on my Big Ricky narrow boat
Croydon. Having heard on the 'Towpath Telegraph' (currently being
converted to fibre-optics) about (a) how no boaters go to the 'National' these
days because there's nothing there for the boaters any more and (b) how there
are traffic jams at locks and the canals are all running dry because of all the
boats going to the 'National', I err on the side of caution and follow the
trade show exhibitors' example by arriving on the back of a low-loader and
getting the boat craned-in on site. If everyone did this, it could be a way of
avoiding those traffic jams and water shortages. Not to mention those expensive
Thames licences. ["What?? You didn't buy a licence? What if the EA - or
whatever they're called this week - find out?" "Quiet! I said not to mention
them!"] It would also avoid the need for the festival to be anywhere near a
waterway. Let's hold it in the Sahara next time - at least we'll avoid the
bloody bank holiday rain!
16:00 Book in with the Waterspace office. No sign of
boaters' newsletter The Henley Reach. Head for editorial cabin in search
of a copy to find out what's happening tonight. Sounds of loud swearing coming
from the Photocopier room. Copier appears to have gone on strike.
Navvies editor seen entering wielding 14 lb sledgehammer. Everything as
normal then.
18:00 Still no Henley Reach but apparently
there's a boaters' quiz tonight - the first question seems to be 'What time
is it happening?' and the second is 'Where?' Just to keep
competitors on their toes it has been advertised at three different times and
in three different places.
21:30 Doesn't really matter what time quiz was
supposed to be, as question-master has been delayed setting up new event for
the boaters' games. Remember those 1960s village fêtes with a 'smash
the piano and put it through a nine-inch hole' contests? Much more fun with
a photocopier.
23:00 Quiz won for second year running by team of
teddy bears. Let's let them set the questions next year.
"Question 1: where is the Grand
Junction's original London terminus?
Question 2: what's the nearest town
to Newlay Locks on the Leeds & Liverpool?
Question 3: What do you use
a 'pump-out' for?" |
| (Click here for answers) |
Friday
10:00 Festival opens. Still no Henley Reach.
Editor's computer is member of same trade union as copier and has come out in
sympathy. I think the word is 'SNAFU'.
12:00 Never mind, at least Bar Tec beer tent's open.
Funny what strange-sounding names some of the brews on offer have. Try a few of
them. Look at site plan in official programme. Interesting how they name parts
of festival site after waterways personalities. Try a few more beers. Start
wondering if we might order a few specially brewed beers next year, and name
them after waterways personalities... How about "Nick Smith's Stout"? Or
"Stanley Holland's Old?" What about "Mike Palmer's Bitter" and
"Alan Jervis's Mild". Or should that be the other way round?
18:00 First issue of Henley Reach finally
arrives, immediately followed by second issue. Editorial team rumoured to
consist of ex-London Transport 'bus drivers. Find out definitive answer for
what time last night's quiz would have been at if it hadn't been late.
20:00 Press photocall of brand new WRG Van surrounded
by WRGies. Old Ebenezer 'No Relation' Palmer spots me and pursues me to bar
tent to give me his views on canal restoration....
| "No, nothing like it, not in my day, look - it's
even got seats and doors that open without falling off, and a wheel at every
corner, and some of the lights even work! And look at those so called 'old'
vans they're scrapping. I tell you, we wouldn't have been selling them to the
scrappie - we'd have been buying them off the scrappie more likely, if we could
afford to! And what about these new dumpers - 4 wheel drive, electric start and
they even have brakes to stop them!! What do they think trees are for? And as
for all these flashy excavators they use these days... I don't know what it's
coming to... how the hell are you supposed to get properly muddy when you sit
around in the cab all day? At least those Smalleys we had were usually missing
a few windows and a couple of wheels... but mostly you just wallowed in the
slime in the bottom of the lock with a shovel in your hand, knowing that you
had to dig it all out fast before you sank too deep into it, and vanished
forever in toxic sludge... oh yes, we were real navvies in those days... what's
all this stuff about not drinking at lunchtime - we'd never have dared go on
site without a few jars inside us... and we never needed hard-hats, we had
hard-heads instead... and as for these meal ticket things they're giving out
here... we used to have to collect Green Shield Stamps and redeem them for our
bacon and eggs in the morning, and eat them out of an old copy of 'Navvies
Notebook'. Well, that was the only thing it was any good for... I tell you
though, we did a bloody good job in those days... we'd have had Aston finished
by now if our lot had been restoring it... What's that? It is finished? Pah!
Tell that to the Waterways Board..." |
Saturday
11:00 Did a tour of the trade exhibition. Met old
mate Ken the Khazi from Floaters marine pump out toilets. (slogan:
"You dump; we pump")
"Nah, mate, not sold a single one! place is crowded
out wiv bleedin' tourists, how the flamin' 'ell am I goin' to sell bogs to
boaters wiv all these Joe Public traipsin' in an' out? Nah, yer regular
bog-buyin' boater wants a bit of privacy to do 'is business when e's choosin' a
cludgie, needs to sit on it for a while, don't want the strain, it's a big job
you know, if you see what I mean.."
"err... yes, I think I do see
what you mean.... err... how was business yesterday on the Trade Only
day?"
"Bleedin' awful mate! Didn't sell a single one! Place was
deserted, nobody around, who am I supposed to be sellin' 'em to? I tell you, my
business has been crap if you see what I mean..." |
14:00 Escape and go for ride on that Simulator thing.
All very exciting and white-knuckle-ish, but can't help wondering if they might
attract more custom from Festival-goers if they made the simulations a little
bit more relevant... forget "The Giant Roller-coaster in Space", how
about "Hatton Locks by Bolinder power", or "Down the Mont towpath in
a beat-up Transit", or maybe "Stagger back along the GU towpath from the
Boat Inn after a session with David Blagrove", or possibly "Over Niagara
Falls with Chris Coburn in n.b. 'Progress' ".
17:00 Nice to see Try a boat scheme in action
- a chance for newcomers to get hands-on experience on a narrowboat. Also
Waterways for Youth letting youngsters have a go at controls of Jubilee JCB.
Slightly disappointed that Branson's Virgin Helicopter rides don't take same
attitude - now that would be worth queueing for....
20:00 Watch WRG Amateur Dramatic Society perform
'Snow White and the Severn Wharfs' to a packed house. Is it true they've
got the 'Spice Boys' to run the 'Water Spice' office next year? Rumours have
circulated since the performance that BW weren't too happy with it. Some
suggest that they didn't like the idea that the Lord High Executive of the
Waterways was a bearded woman who wanted to fill in all the canals. Oh and they
didn't much care for the 'Official Opening of the Thames Berks & Andover
Canal' in the final scene. Seems they wanted it changed to 'Celebration
of the Completion of Work on the Thames Berks and Andover'. Come on guys,
can't you see it's a fantasy? Especially that bit about the WRG Chairman trying
his luck with Snow White even though she's just dropped dead....
22:00 Spend half an hour wandering around site trying
to find 'Area 51' on site plan so I can watch rock band. Eventually discover
that 'Area 51' is name of band, not location...
Sunday
10:00 Spend morning strolling along moorings. Meet my
old mate Sid Knobstick just engaging a boater in discussion...
| " 'Ello there, nice boat you got there. Aye, plenty
boats 'ere, aren't there? O' course it's not like the old workin' boat days any
more, is it? I remember 'em comin' down the "Junction" day an' night, the old
Bollingers goin' flat out at mebbe 3 or 4 rpm, the missus leanin' out over the
back o' the butty, doin' the washin' in the cut as they went along, aye, I
remember it like it were yesterday... Used to work on the boats meself at one
time, y'know? Aye, for Adam Clayton's of Old Bury on the tanker-boats, y'know,
them ones like that old Guildford at the Boat Museum? I remember comin' right
through 'ere one night fresh from the Jam 'ole at Southall wi' a full load o'
strawberry preserve, and I mean a full load - talk about loaded down, we were
drawin' nigh on seven foot that night, the only bits o' the boat above water
were the cratch an' my 'ead. An' that's only the motor, you should 'ave seen
the butty - the 'jam butty' as we used to call it - you could only tell where
it was from the bubbles from the cabin stove chimney... O' course once we got
on the Kennet & Avon the cut were so shallow we were draggin' bottom all
the time, even though we 'ad the old Bollinger wound down so slow it only fired
three times on the whole o' the long pound. And the channel were so narrow,
when we met one o' them pleasure boats, the only way we could pass were
underneath them. Most o' them never even knew we were there. An' livin' in one
o' them back cabins, wi' me, the missus, four kids an the lurcher in the butty
an' the other six kids an' granny an' the ferrets in the motor... O' course it
were much worse in the days o' the old 'orse boats, we 'ad only the one cabin
for all of us, aye, an' the 'orse too. Ah well, must be off now, 'ave a good
festival... 'Ello, nice red Transit van you got there lads. O' course you can't
beat the old traction engines, y'know, I remember..." |
15:00 Watch Boaters' Games - It's a Lock Out.
Impressive level of bribery, corruption, dishonesty and sharp practice going
on. Huge mound of goodies eventually piled up on table in front of Judges.
Perhaps the Department of Transport, Environment and the Regions should put in
a team next year. ("we'll give you a navigable culvert for the Hatherton and
an aqueduct for the Lichfield if you'll let us win the next round.")
Contest eventually won by the God Squad team, after they offer shoulder massage
to judging panel. Why didn't Teddy Bears team offer to sleep with judges? God
Squad (probably) wouldn't have gone quite that far...
20:00 Back in bar tent, trying out a few more ales, I
bump into old Eli 'No relation' Smith, who last helped to run the 'National' in
1956...
| "Of course, it just isn't the same these days. In
the old days it was a boaters' festival, run by boaters and for boaters,
whether they liked it or not. Nowadays there's nothing in it for them. How many
boaters can you see here? They've stayed away, they have, they know when
they're not wanted. Only boaters you see in Henley are straw boaters. How many
boats have turned up anyway... What? 600? Errr, well, anyway, it's not run for
them anymore, it's purely a profit-making exercise these days. Look at last
year's do at Dudley - organised purely for taking money hand-over-fist from the
public and the poor old boater... What's that? It lost £25,000? Well,
that just proves my point entirely... and all this about whether it's a 'rally'
or a 'festival' - in my day we knew what we were talking about: it was a
'Festival and Rally'... or was it a 'Rally and Festival'?....." |
Monday
11:00 Bank Holiday downpour arrives right on cue, so
I scurry for safety of Ents tent, where Awards ceremony is taking place. Can't
hear too well from back, what's that? The 'A.P. Herbert Market Harborough
Challenge Trophy'? The 'Volvo Penta award'? 'The Offley-Slack
Propeller award'? 'The Alfred Ritchie Cockerel for the best turned-out
working boat'? Cockerel? I suppose you could keep it in the pigeon box...
And there seem to be awards for boats' log books, and one for 'The Most
Meritorious Illuminated Cake aged over 65 Attending the Festival for the First
Time', or something like that.
13:00 Repair to beer tent for a few more pints of
strong beer, and begin wondering about entering for some awards myself next
time. If I make a chocolate log cake, maybe I can enter it for both 'Best Cake'
and 'Best Log' awards.... if I don't get sterngear on 'Croydon' fixed soon it
could be candidate for 'Awfully Slack Propeller Award'. Or how about a few new
awards, by way of a change...
16:00 A few more pints, while Bank Holiday rain
carries on outside.... all of a sudden I'm at the 1998 Salford Festival Awards
Ceremony...
"...the 'Volvo Pentax Award' for the
most-photographed engine goes to nb 'Fulbourne' - can someone please tell them
which way round to hold the camera in future..."
"...the 'Virgin / Blagrove / Weetabix' award for the
least appropriate piece of traditional canalware is awarded jointly to Bill
Gates for his beautifully crocheted computer cover and to Alan Jervis for his
roses-and-castles car-park signage... John Palmer's entry was disqualified when
it was discovered that the hub caps on his WRG van had actually rusted through,
rather than being deliberately designed as lace-edged back-cabin ware..."
"...the 'A Right Herbert Newport Pagnell Challenge
trophy' for the most ridiculous route to the Festival goes to WRG van 'R10 RFB'
for a route taking in 12 canal camps, 6 weekend working parties, all three
Aston Locks reopenings, a trip to last year's WRG reunion and a trip to the
bottom of the Droitwich that we don't talk about, plus 107 visits to the Selly
Park Balti House and 84 unexplained trips to the homes of female WRGies
including 3 different ones in the same weekend...."
"...sadly last year's winners of the award for the
best boaters' log - Grand Union town class boat 'Ewell' - can't enter this year
as they had to use all their log-books to keep the range going when they were
iced-in last December. That's right, they burnt the Ewell Log for
Christmas..."
"...this year's 'Thomas Crapper Bucket' for the
fastest-filled Elsan is awarded to Eddie 'Vindaloo' Jones of KESCRG...
unfortunately Eddie can't be here to collect his award, which is being carried
to Manchester Royal Infirmary on board the Lavender Boat..." |
24:00 It's all a dream. Wake up in beer tent just as
Bar Tec are attempting the 'Alfred Ritchie Cockup Award' for the fastest
turned-out working boater....
|
