About a year ago you may remember that my mole in
government provided a foretaste of what the future might have in store for us
on the waterways. Well, of course, it didn't quite work out like that: there
have been a few changes since then.
We have had a change of government from Tory to
Labour, a change of 'priorities' at IWAAC, a change of mood at BW from
being happy being a nationalised industry to wanting to become a Trust, and a
major change of heart at the Dept of Transport, who only a year ago were doing
their best to wreck the prospects of the Thames & Severn Canal with the new
Latton Bypass, but have now moved on and are doing their best to wreck the
prospects of the Lichfield & Hatherton Canals with the new Birmingham
Northern Relief Road....
One area that has grown in importance (and also in
muddiness thanks to Fibreway) in the last year is towpaths. Until recently
these strips of land were half deserted habitats of plant and bird life,
courting couples and the occasional walker, with just the chance of a sighting
of the lesser-spotted pole-angler being hunted down by its natural predator,
the greater-striped mountain-biker.
Not any more: the towpaths of England are becoming a
battleground between the different factions in what promises to be a far better
scrap than the minor skirmish between the canal restorers and the nature
conservationists. First came Sustrans, with their idea for a 'green network' of
environmentally friendly transport routes for cyclists. It appears that the
best way of turning towpaths into part of a 'green network' is to get rid of
all that nasty grass and lay a decent hard surface for cyclists. Predictably,
the walkers are objecting to the idea of sharing their towpath with budding
Chris Boardmans, so to placate them it is proposed to double the width of the
towpath by either grubbing-up the towpath hedge or filling in the canal
(there's environmentalism for you!) and now the anglers are hacked-off at the
idea that they'll have to get even longer roach-poles in order to effectively
block the towpath. Meanwhile the boaters aren't too impressed with the cut
being narrowed, and any remaining industrial archaeologists have probably fled
for the hills. Not to be outdone, WRG has pitched into the fray with a proposal
that if you're going to make them suitable for cyclists, it wouldn't take much
more to make them suitable for something rather bigger. They are therefore
promoting the 'Susvans' network, which will be used to get from one canal camp
site to another in old Ford Transit vans that are no longer capable of passing
the MoT and can't be allowed on the roads.
While all this squabbling has been going on, the Fibre Optic
companies have taken the 'battleground' bit to heart, and are doing their best
to leave the towpaths looking like the Somme, and apparently dumping most of
their waste materials in the cut. This has resulted in several cases of
cyclists drowning in the deep puddles on the towpath while boaters grind to a
standstill, hard aground in mid-channel.
A radical solution has emerged (and remember you read it
here first): if there's actually more water on the towpath than in the canal,
why not convert the canal into a towpath and the towpath into a canal? The
towpaths will then be plenty wide enough for all the various users, and the
canals will still be just big enough for the few boaters who haven't been
priced-off the waterways.
BW are doing their best to ensure that revenue is maximised
from all towpath users (as the number of boaters leaving the cut forces them to
look elsewhere for income) but they are still struggling with the complexities
of the system. For example, should tandems pay double the cost of other
cyclists? What should water-bikes pay? What about pedal boats? If a boat
licence entitles the holder to a free cycle permit, should ownership of a
'working pair' entitle you to a free tandem licence? If it's a folding boat do
you have to have a folding bike? What if a bicycle is being used to tow a boat?
Will there be special "transit licences' for WRG vans? Should anglers be
charged by the length of their pole? What if they lie? Everyone knows anglers
always exaggerate!
Meanwhile , BW have made it absolutely clear that one thing
has no place on towpaths. That's right, horses. They won't allow boats to be
towed by horse. There's no rule about mules, donkeys, oxen or even llamas for
that matter, but on the subject of horses, BW have been refreshingly frank for
once. No horses. After all, the towpaths weren't built for them, you know....
Much has been said for and against the IWAAC plan to
assign priorities to canal restoration schemes, but little is known about
how exactly the proposed scheme will operate. However, my old friend Harry
Washerjosher, who recently won the lucrative contract to remove all the
waste-paper from Government departments and Quangos, spotted something
interesting blowing around in the hold of his town class butty Milton
Keynes as he was carrying another 50 tons from Marsham Street to the
Crumpsall recycling facility.....
"....further to our discussion of the organisational
details of the prioritisation exercise, following my studies carried out at Old
Trafford last Saturday Afternoon, here is the final version of the plan. Well,
actually, the semi-final version:
"All waterway restoration schemes will be divided
into four groups, or 'divisions' according to how successful they have been in
the last few years, or 'seasons'. The highest group will contain all the
'premier' projects, and will receive the maximum publicity and exclusive rights
to be featured on satellite TV. They will charge outrageous annual rates to
join, they will buy and sell committee members to each other for zillions of
pounds, and spend a fortune changing their colour scheme and issuing new
designs of branded clothing every year or two. [A bit like the EA, really
...Reg] These are the schemes that will hope to attract huge
money from sponsorship and other sources. (Well, there's no harm in hoping, is
there?)
"The remaining three groups will be called divisions
one, two and three, and just to show that there is hope for all in the great
scheme of things, they will be known as 'hopefuls', 'hopeless cases' and
'hope-in-hells' respectively. They will - in general - have to rely on
terrestrial media for their publicity, but it is believed that one particular
group of canal societies that are expected to appear in the lowest division are
being approached by the Sky Satellite TV company with a view to sponsorship of
the catering arrangements for their working parties. (They are known as the
'Pie in the Sky' projects).
"Of course, we have to realise that things are never
static in canal restoration (apart from some items of WRG plant, that is).
There will be opportunities every year for the two fastest-moving newer schemes
in each of the lower divisions to climb higher (this is called 'promotion'),
while those longer-established projects in the higher divisions that have
'passed their sell-by date' will be 'relegated' and given a chance to sack
their manager, sell half of their committee and try again next year. In
addition, the canal societies whose projects don't quite make it to automatic
'promotion' will take part in 'dig-offs' against each other, where they will
compete directly one-to-one in the hope of securing the final place in the next
division and consigning their opponents to another year of struggling.
"New restoration projects are appearing all the
time, and as an encouragement to them, one new canal society will be added at
the bottom of the lowest division each season. This may not - at first - seem
much encouragement, but any intelligently run group will soon realise what a
great benefit this will be: after all, they will be doing much better than the
one scheme that will be relegated from the bottom division at the same time,
and will probably sack its entire committee, go bankrupt and sell off its canal
for redevelopment into a shopping centre.
"Where there are two societies both restoring the
same canal, 'ground-sharing' arrangements will be instituted.
"The annual Canal Societies Conference in December
will provide an opportunity for all projects to compete for the IWA Cup; the
winners of this, and also the project that ends the season at the top of the
'Premiership' will automatically qualify for European funding the following
season.
"Those in the lower divisions with limited vision
and no imagination may think that the canal movement has scored an own-goal
with this scheme. They will cry 'Foul!' But they will be shooting with their
wrong foot here: they are the ones who will be left on the side-lines,
penalised for obstruction, booked for dissent and caught offside. Any credibly
managed, well run project will realise that they only need stay on-the-ball,
keep their feet firmly on the turf, keep control of the hooligan element in
their following, and always know what the score is, and their supporters will
have plenty to cheer about."
"Yours,
Nigel Handball
"PS Please find enclosed expenses claim for 1st
class return fare to Manchester and hire of executive box at Old
Trafford." |
Meanwhile, BW is keen to re-organise itself into something
different. "Heritage is a cornerstone of our plans", they say in their
publicity (see what I mean about 'Different'!), but they have been sounding-out
user groups and others to hear their views on the form that the reorganisation
will take....
First responses suggested that British Waterways might be
re-organised into "What is 'by water', Sir?" Maybe they shouldn't have
included the National Scrabble Association in the list of consultees....
IWA alluded to their founder the late great Robert Aickman's
design for a 'National Waterways Conservancy' responsible for all waterways,
and commended Aickman's views to BW. Let's hope they don't read about another
of Aickman's proposals: to push up the boaters' licence fees until the canals
can pay for themselves, and no government money is required....
A £250,000 report commissioned from Smith, Smyth and
Smythe design consultants by BW recommends that they modify the paint scheme on
their work-boats to use a lighter shade of green and consider changing the
typeface on their sign-boards from Helvetica to Times Roman.
The Waterway Recovery Group suggested that the future BW
should paint all its vehicles red, re-name all its employees 'canal campers',
reduce their newsletter to A5 size and fill it full of incomprehensible
in-jokes and compromising photographs of David Fletcher, take out all the beds
in all the lock-keepers' cottages, and put in Karrimats and sleeping bags
instead, and make people pay £35 a week to work for them. Rumour has it
that it was this bizarre proposal that shocked BW into coming up with its own
idea...
.. namely, that the new BW model itself on the National
Trust: this will include a membership scheme with a large membership (i.e. a
lot of members, not that they would be large members), lengthy arguments
between members on the pros and cons of fish-hunting in canals, declaring all
BW land 'inalienable' (which means they positively, absolutely, totally
forbidden to sell any of it off - unless the MoD needs it for a nuclear bunker)
and - Oh good grief - appointing Neil Edwards as a member of its national
governing body!
Meanwhile, my spies at the National Trust tell me that the
NT too has been looking at ways of changing to a more appropriate type of
organisation, and have been looking to BW for ideas. They have duly instituted
a Castle Safety Scheme, in which all their ancient properties have to be
brought up to modern standard within 12 months, otherwise they will be
impounded. They are also hard at work standardising all the windows, doors and
other fittings on their properties, so that replacements can be ordered in
large quantity without the need for tedious and inefficient local variations.
As their press release says: "Heritage is a cornerstone of our plans",
and they are making sure that their cornerstone will be made from smart,
modern, hard-wearing stone-effect reinforced concrete.
Finally , as I mentioned above, BW have been refusing to
permit any horse-drawn craft on their canals apart from a few trip-boats.
However, all that may be about to change: a snippet spotted by an eagle-eyed
(and tall) friend in a document at the top of the in-tray in a BW manager's
office mentioned something about an 'oat safety scheme'. But it could have been
a misprint.....
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