Top secret documents recently leaked to me by a 'mole' in
the Government give details of a number of changes planned for the waterways
over the next few years.
Firstly, metrication of the canal system. As most of
you will be aware, this has been going on for some time already. Many will be
familiar with that great work of fiction, the BW 'Maximum Dimensions of
Craft' booklet, whose first metric edition a few years gave the dimensions
of locks to the nearest centimetre. (This level of accuracy is especially
impressive when you realise that the original measurements that they were
converted from were mostly given to the nearest six inches) Those of us who
think that we are travelling the canals in 70ft narrow boats are badly mistaken
- they have, for some years now, been travelling in 21.336 metre craft, and who
can fail to be impressed by the smart new '6.44 km per hour' speed limit signs
(it would be churlish to point out that 4mph is actually 6.437376 km per hour).
The first one I saw had me reaching for the 'cruise control' switch on the
Bolinder straight away.
However most people are not aware of the changes still in
store: metrication will eventually result in the disappearance of non-metric
measurements from all aspects of waterways. The Black Delph Nine will become
the Black Delph Ten. Mile End Locks on the Regents Canal will become 1.609
Kilometre End Locks. All lengths of canal between locks will cease to be called
'pounds' and will instead be known as '454 grammes'. All foot bridges will
become 304.8mm bridges. Boatyards will become 'boat 914.4 millimetres'. As the
boaters struggle to '1.8288 metre' out how exactly this will affect them, they
should think also of the anglers: the replacement of the imperial 'rod, pole or
perch' by '5.0292 metres' will doubtless result in some confusion for them. And
at next year's 'National' you may well find yourself in the Beer Tent sipping
your 568mls of Wadworths 10x to the strains of Messrs Blagrove & Co singing
"We've got kilometres and kilometres of poly on the blade..."
The second big change on the way is the privatisation of
the canal system. But first, income has to be maximised to make the system
more attractive to potential private investors. The 30% increase in licence
fees over the next three years have been widely reported, but income will also
need to be raised from other sources. Mooring for example: in order to maximise
revenue from this source, all bollards and mooring rings will be removed and
replaced with coin-operated 'mooring meters'. Private firms will be given the
contract to empty the meters, issue mooring tickets to any boats over-staying
and if necessary apply propeller-clamps to offending vessels. Mooring will be
prohibited anywhere other than on mooring meters and this will be indicated by
a double yellow line painted on the steel piling which will be installed along
all canal banks (except where piling is not allowed due to SSSIs - in these
places a double line of buttercups will be planted instead). Certain important
through routes will be designated 'Red routes'; boats found mooring on these
will immediately be towed away and the owners will have three penalty points
added to their cruising licence. (Poppies will be used instead of buttercups
where piling cannot be installed.)
A 'right-to-buy' scheme will encourage residential boaters
to become 'water-freeholders'; it is believed that they will take a greater
pride in their home if they actually own the water under and immediately
surrounding it, rather than being effectively 'council-water-tenants' as they
are now. It is hoped that the proceeds of these sales may go some way towards
covering the administrative costs of introducing the system.
It has often been pointed out that unlike boaters and
anglers, towpath walkers and cyclists generally pay nothing for their use of
the system. Two possible solutions to the problem of how to charge these people
are under consideration.
The first one involves the installation at all towpath
access points of entry gates similar to those in use on the London Underground.
Ticket machines will dispense walkers' and cyclists' tickets at fares varying
according to how many fare zones are to be traversed. One-day, weekly, monthly
and annual 'Towpathcards' will be available, giving discounts to regular users.
Travelling ticket inspectors will patrol the system. Anyone who is found to
have 'over-ridden' or 'over-walked' will be subject to an on-the-spot penalty
fare of £10 or ten times the full fare, whichever is higher.
The alternative proposal is based on the way in which boat
tolls used to be collected and will doubtless appeal more to the
traditionalists. All persons wishing to walk the towpaths will first have to be
'registered' and 'gauged'. They will be required to walk along a standard
length of muddy towpath and the distance between their boot-prints will be
measured, and entered in the gauging records. Copies of these will be issued to
all toll offices. Whenever a towpath walker passes a toll office the toll
keeper will check the number of paces that they have walked (pedometers will be
issued to walkers for this purpose), and by referring to their gauging records
the appropriate toll (charged at a fixed rate per person-kilometre) can be
calculated.
Full privatisation, when it comes, will be largely
modelled on the highly-successful system already implemented on the
railways: The canal system will be owned by Boattrack PLC, who will charge
individual canal companies for the right to maintain each canal, these canal
operating companies ('Cocos') being the ones who made the winning bid to the
Canal Franchise Office. All water will be owned by Cutwater Co, who will
purchase it from the Reservoir companies or 'Rescos' and eventually sell it on
to the EA when it leaves the canal system and enters a river. Cutwater will
lease the water to the Cocos, who will in turn 'buy' and 'sell' it to each
other as it leaves one canal and joins another. All lock gates will be owned by
Gate Operating Companies or 'Gocos', who will franchise out balance beam
provision to the 'Babcos'. The 'Paddlecos' will rent space from Boattrack (or
from the Gocos in the case of gate-paddles) and will charge the Cocos a toll
for every litre of water passing through each paddle. In addition to buying
licences from the Cocos, boaters will buy their drinking water directly from
Cutwater and in turn sell on their 'used' water to Sanico. Any water cooled
engines will lease their cooling water from the Coco.
In the event of a reservoir going bankrupt or experiencing
financial difficulties, they will be free to sell any remaining water they hold
by auction to the highest bidder from the remaining reservoirs. (It is expected
that the actual transfer of the 'assets' will be done by a fleet of road
tankers, but this could alternatively represent one way of attracting trade
back onto the canals, using something similar to the fleet formerly operated by
Thomas Clayton of Oldbury.)
Canal restoration groups will, on completing their
waterways, be encouraged to become Cocos via Management Buy-Outs in order to
bid for the franchise to maintain their restored canal; this is seen as a good
way of encouraging those who previously worked for nothing as volunteers to
have their labour valued at the going market rate, as it should be.
All canal users who can afford to will be encouraged to buy
shares in the various companies, so that they can enjoy the many benefits of
ownership. (A possible arrangement with the Bank of Zurich is under discussion)
The Government is anxious to pursue its ideal of turning Britain into a
'water-owning democracy' and hopes to defeat Opposition attempts to
'water-down' its proposals.
Although the Government is sure that all this will result in
a better, more efficient, more dynamic canal system free from the shackles of
State Ownership, a number of 'watchdog' bodies will be put in place as a
safeguard. These will include Oftrack (who will monitor Boattrack PLC and Ofcut
(who will watch Cutwater Co). It is not yet known whether the equivalent body
for the Balance beam companies will be called 'Ofbeam' or 'Ofbalance'.
The third major change is 'on hold' at the moment:
European Union harmonisation of waterways was progressing well - with standards
already in place for paddle spindle sizes, Buckby can capacities, boaters'
beard lengths and chemical toilet seat diameters - but has hit problems when
the Brussels computer objected to a 'broad beam' boat that was only 10ft (or
3.048m) wide and totally refused to accept that a canal could have less than
one metre depth of water. Re-classifying all UK canals as drainage ditches may
represent one possible way forward. We may have to redefine the Norfolk Broads
as the Norfolk Narrows, too.
Fourth change on the way is to some of the nomenclature
used on canals, which has been deemed to be unacceptable. For example
'short boat' must be changed to 'dimensionally-challenged boat', while
'ex-working boat' becomes 'jobseeking boat'. Hydraulic paddle gear will in
future be known as 'elderly relative' gear.
Finally, more safety improvements are coming: the
hugely successful Boat Safety Scheme is to be followed by a Rod Safety Scheme
for anglers; while towpath walkers will have to get their wellies checked for
gas leakage before they can be awarded their Boot Safety Certificates. All
towpaths under road bridges are to be closed, and walkers will in future have
to cross the road instead, to avoid the possibility of legal liability should a
walker fall into the canal while walking along a narrow and unfenced towpath
under a bridge; this should be reflected in a major improvement in the safety
statistics for towpath walking. The 'Tunnel Safety' signs will be followed by
'Aqueduct Safety' signs: "All steerers should put on their parachutes before
entering the aqueduct..."
Of course, objections to these imaginative plans are bound
to be raised, due to the outdated views of an ill-informed and vociferous
minority of canal users, but it is to be hoped that following the usual
consultation processes the vast majority will come to see the benefits that
will come to us all when we have the modern, safe, efficient and profitable
canal system that we deserve.
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