|
Several times recently, senior British Waterways personnel
have expressed an ambition to see all types of usage of the waterways doubled
over the next few years. That's right: twice the anglers, twice the walkers,
twice the cyclists - and twice the boaters. And it's the problem of
accommodating twice as many boaters which concerns us here.
The first thought that occurs is whether it could be
achieved by doubling the number of people using each boat. Various suggestions
have included double-decker boats. (London has a lot of Routemaster buses that
are soon to be sold off - perhaps they could be converted?) Unfortunately that
would require virtually every bridge and tunnel on the system to be enlarged,
(High Bridge on the Shroppie would change its name to 'Higher Bridge', while
the Higher Avon Navigation would become the 'Even Higher Avon Navigation'.) so
it appears unlikely in the short term.
A second possibility is to double the use of the existing
boats. Many boats are already in shared ownership with different people using
them on different weeks, but this could be extended to different people using a
boat at different times of day under a system called 'hot-boating' (in an
analogy to the 'hot desking' system of employing more people than desks in
offices). Basically the night shift would sleep while the day shift boated and
vice versa. This would also at a stroke cure the shortage of moorings, as no
boat would ever stop moving, so no moorings would be needed. It would also at a
stroke mean an end to mooring fees, and is therefore unlikely to happen.
Another idea involves a change in the size of the average
boat. The Barge Association have recommended that all narrow boats be replaced
with the same number of broad-beam craft, thereby doubling their capacity while
retaining the same number of boats. Meanwhile the Narrow Boat Owners Club have
suggested halving the width of all broad beam boats while keeping the same
number of people on each one, thereby making space for twice as many boats
while retaining the same number of people on each one. We are still working on
how to combine these two ideas.
Realistically, though, doubling use means a lot more boats
on the canals. And the obvious question is "where will they all go?" (And the
equally obvious answer is "Llangollen on a Bank Holiday weekend!")
One way of increasing space on the canals is to restore and
reopen more waterways. We asked a WRG spokesman what they thought of the chance
of the mileage of canals doubling. He said "Doublin'? That's in Ireland, isn't
it? Sure, we'll have the Royal Canal open through to the Shannon soon..."
We then asked an IWA Restoration Committee spokesman the
same question, and he pointed out that to double the mileage we'd need to
restore everything that was ever built, some that were started but never
finished, and some that were finished but should never have been started... and
then some more besides. He went on to suggest that we might make up the
shortfall by annexing some overseas waterways, and suggested that the
lightly-used and almost restored Royal Canal from Dublin to the Shannon might
be a likely candidate...
So it appears that an increase in the capacity of the
existing system may well prove necessary, and ways of achieving this are under
investigation.
The main bottleneck is likely to be boats queueing for lock
flights, so these will all be duplicated, like Hillmorton and many of the
Cheshire Locks already are. Thus the Stourbridge Sixteen become the Stourbridge
Thirty-two, the Three Locks pub at Soulbury (OK 'Stoke Hammond' for the
pedants - and I bet you're really looking forward to there being twice as many
of them!) is renamed the Six Locks, Bow Lock will once again become a
pair of Bow Locks, and the Black Delph Nine (of which there are, of course,
only eight) becomes the Black Delph Eighteen (of which there will be, of
course, only sixteen). Flights that are already double will be quadrupled, and
the three parallel locks at Teddington and Eastham will... hang on a minute
while I get my pocket calculator...
Of course there are other bottlenecks besides locks. So the
Falkirk Wheel will lose its unique distinction and become "One of the World's
only two rotating boat-lifts", while Standedge Tunnels will be the two
equal-longest, equal-highest and equal-deepest tunnels on the system. In some
places whole lengths of canal will be duplicated (like part of the BCN main
line is already): for example the Aylesbury Arm will become the Aylesbury Arms
- which will provide us with one of the names for the new BW pubs, speaking of
which....
Naturally, boaters being what they are, twice the number of
waterside pubs will be needed to slake twice as many thirsts of twice as many
boaters. Not to mention providing the opportunity for twice as much late-night
yarning about what you got round your propeller, a double-dose of BW-bashing, a
100% increase in arguing about whether a lock uses more water when you go up it
or down it, and twice as much making those decisions - so much easier at
22.00hrs after a skinful of ale - about how and where the IWA ought to organise
its national festivals. (of which there will of course be twice as many per
year)
But fear not - BW already has this in hand, with their plan
for their very own pub chain. They have only promised sixty new canalside pubs
so far, but ultimately they hope to achieve a 100% increase in the total
number. They are busy planning for a further expansion already - just look at
the enthusiasm with which they have thrown themselves into freeing-up the
necessary waterside buildings: at Marsworth Yard, Bulbourne and Northwich
workshops, the Stop House at Braunston and so on. And apparently the main
purpose behind the decision to move their staff out of the existing Head Office
at Watford is so they can convert it into the largest canalside pub in the
country: I suppose someone had better tell them sometime that there isn't a
canal running past it, and that the thing they can see through their office
windows with the ducks and weeds in it is in fact an ornamental pond.
Incidentally, my sources in Watford tell me that the new BW
pubs are to be BW-themed throughout: not only will they be decorated with
identical sepia pictures of n.b. Waterscape, plaster busts of famous canal
people such as James Brindley and George Greener, juke-boxes loaded with CDs of
David Blagrove singing We've got miles and miles of poly on the blade and
everything else that is special about real traditional working boatmen's pubs,
but there will be several new canal-related features. Closing time will be
referred to as 'Stoppage Time', the beer pumps will be operated by standard BW
windlasses (apart from on the Calder & Hebble where a handspike will be
used instead), the lavatories will be referred to as 'Pump-outs', and drink
prices will be called 'pouring fees'. All customers will need a BW Drinking
Licence, which will include the name of their home pub - unless they are
registered as 'continuously boozing', in which case they will be required move
on to another pub after every 14 pints or risk being fined or their engraved
pewter tankard being impounded.
Among the names proposed for the new pubs are such obvious
ones as The Wendover Arms (see above), The Worcester Bar, and
(selling pints of fermented pear juice on the Tame Valley Canal) The Perry
Bar, but also some more inventive names that might prove useful to boaters,
such as The Shallow Pound and The Weedhatch. ("I'm sorry I'm late - I
was stuck for two hours in The Shallow Pound." or "I'll be back in a
little while - I'm just going down The Weedhatch.")
Among those of us with an interest in the workings of the
licensed trade, there has been much discussion of whether the BW pubs would be
free houses or tied to a brewery. The general consensus is that if they are
tied, it will be with a single piece of frayed, knotted, thin old nylon string
which will snap as soon as somebody goes past at more than 1mph.
Of course having twice the number of boaters, walkers,
anglers, cyclists and so on will mean that the waterways authorities will need
double the number of staff to maintain them all - and it takes time, effort and
money to recruit them. However I can reveal that the scientists in BWLAB have
found a much simpler solution to the problem - they are cloning existing staff.
They have designed a standard BW employee and are producing identical ones in
enormous numbers. In fact it is rumoured that the cloning project has been so
successful that they have produced rather more than double the existing
personnel. This provides the answer the difficult question of why, given that
they want to double use of the canals, they are currently busy making 10% of
their staff redundant. (We asked a BW spokesman if this was true. He said
"Sorry, I can't tell you - I don't work for them any more.")
But given that BW are closing so many of their offices,
where will this army of clones be based? Well, it cannot have escaped your
notice that the vast Interchange Warehouse above Camden Lock in London has just
been bought by BW, including the subterranean canal basin under it known as
'Dead Dog Tunnel', and a vast labyrinth of disused underground passages and
cellars around it. So next time you walk along the Regents towpath late one
night and hear, in the calm evening air, what sounds like a thousand identical
voices saying in unison "Following the recent spell of dry weather, we have had
no alternative but to close...", you will not necessarily be suffering from
over-indulgence in various things that can (allegedly) be bought in the area.
You might just be overhearing a BW training course in progress in the bowels of
the warehouse. Be afraid, be very afraid.... |
