A room in Whitehall. The Minister is
sitting at a desk. Enter Sir Humphrey, the Permanent Secretary:
Minister: Ah, Good morning, Sir Humphrey
Sir H : Good morning, Minister, and welcome to the
Waterways portfolio at the DETRTR
Minister : Thank you, Humphrey ..... er, the
what?
Sir H : The DETRTR, Minister. This Department.
Minister : Surely it's just the DETR?
Sir H : No, the DETRTR. The Department of the
Environment, Transport, the Regions and Taking the Rap.
Minister: Taking the rap? I didn't know about that
bit.
Sir H : Oh, yes. But you don't need to worry about
that part of it. It's not in your remit. Mr Prescott does all of that
personally.
Minister: That's all right then. Now, Humphrey, tell
me all about this British Waterways thing that's going on.
Sir H : You mean their consultation process?.
Minister: Yes. I was looking at their web site last
night.
Sir H : Yes, Minister. I didn't realise you were on
the Internet.
Minister: Well, my ten-year-old showed it to me. And
it looks jolly interesting. Of course, I'd heard about it before. Didn't BW
want to become a charitable trust independent of Government?
Sir H : At one time, Minister. But they were
persuaded otherwise.
Minister: How did that happen, Humphrey?
Sir H : We told them they couldn't.
Minister: Why, Humphrey? I thought it sounded a
jolly good idea. Make them responsible to a membership. Get the cost off our
back.
Sir H : It wouldn't have worked, Minister. They
couldn't have done the job on their own.
Minister: Why not? Surely they're the people with all
the expertise in running a waterway system, and with the input from the users
that the membership scheme would have given, surely........
Sir H : No, Minister. They would have lacked the most
important input of all.
Minister : Oh? Whose?
Sir H : Well, Minister, modesty forbids me to
say.
Minister: You, Humphrey? What do
you know about running a waterway?
Sir H : Not me personally, Minister,
but the collective wisdom of the Permanent Civil Service.
Minister: Ah, yes. The inevitable. But anyway, they
still want a membership scheme, so they'll still get the input from the
users.
Sir H :Well, yes and no.
Minister: What do you mean, Humphrey, yes and
no?
Sir H : No, Minister.
Minister: But haven't they said they'll let the
members elect representatives to the Board of BW?
Sir H : Not quite, Minister. They've said that
if they get 100,000 members they might let them suggest
one name for the Secretary of State to
consider.
Minister: Oh, is that all? I'd hoped it might be
more. Open Government. Accountability, all that. A step nearer having the
members of Quangos like BW appointed on the basis of one man, one vote.
Sir H : I assure you, Minister, that the members of
BW Board are appointed on the basis of one man, one vote.
Minister: Really, Humphrey?
Sir H : Yes, Minister. And that man's the Secretary
of State.
Minister: Ah, yes, I see. He has the final say.
Sir H : On advice, Minister.
Minister: Ah, but whose advice? No, you don't need to
tell me. I know the answer. It's you, isn't it?
Sir H : Yes, Minister.
Minister: But won't the members have a say in
anything?.
Sir H : No, Minister.
Minister: But is that fair, Humphrey?
Surely they're there for something and ought to have some say in things.
Sir H : Well, Minister, the back-bench members of
your own party seem to get on quite well without any say. And I'm sure you
wouldn't want them telling you how to run your Department, any more than we
want a lot of unwashed boaters and muddy towpath walkers telling BW how to run
the canals.
Minister: Oh. Yes, I see. Now, how about this
Charitable Trust they want to set up? Is that a good idea?
Sir H : Oh, yes, Minister. So good, in fact, that
they've already set it up. It's called the Waterways Trust.
Minister: Ah, yes. Didn't I read something about them
coming to the rescue of some canal restoration project?
Sir H : Yes, Minister. The Rochdale Canal.
Minister: That's right. And I recall some very
appreciative Press comments about that.
Sir H : Yes, Minister.
Minister: Quite convenient timing, really. Just as BW
start consulting about the Trust, it shows what it can do. A happy
coincidence.
Sir H : Not exactly a coincidence, Minister.
Minister: How do you mean, Humphrey? And, come to
think of it, wasn't it just sorting out a cock-up made by the Department of
Culture over the funding arrangements?
Sir H : Up to a point, Minister. There was a certain
degree of premeditation involved.
Minister: Premeditation, Humphrey?
Sir H : I had lunch with my opposite number at the
Department of Culture and persuaded him that if he arranged for his masters to
change the funding arrangements so that the Rochdale scheme seemed in danger,
then that would create exactly the opportunity we were looking for to show the
new Trust in a favourable light.
Minister: Now, Humphrey, there's another thing. I
see there's a huge post-bag about the Birmingham Northern Relief Road and some
canal crossings.
Sir H : Ah, that one.
Minister: Good. You know about it. Can we sort it
out? Could you have lunch with your opposite number at Transport?
Sir H : Well, there's a bit of a problem. You see,
Minister, the relevant decisions were made by the last Government.
Minister: Doesn't that make it easier for us to
change them, Humphrey?
Sir H : The trouble is, Minister, that ,as a Civil
Servant, I'm not allowed to talk to a Minister of this Government about
things from the last Government.
Minister: But surely you advised my predecessor in
the last Government about it?
Sir H : Yes, Minister, but I'm not allowed to tell
you what I told him.
Minister: But it's a problem sitting on my desk now.
Surely you have to advise me about that?
Sir H: Yes, Minister.
Minister: So? What's your advice?
Sir H : That I can't advise you, because then you'd
be able to work out what I advised the last Government, and I mustn't let you
know that.
Minister: Have I got this right? The last Government
did something. They probably got it wrong. We probably ought to change it. But
we can't because the Civil Service rules won't let you talk to me about it?
Sir H : Yes, Minister.
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