Overheard recently in Whitehall :
Minister: Ah, Humphrey. You asked to see me.
Sir Humphrey Appleby : Yes, Minister. It's about the
proposed amendment to the RCD of the EU.
Minister : Yes, of course, er, what?
Sir H : The proposed amendment to the European
Union's Recreational Craft Directive
Minister : Ah, yes. Most important. Um, remind me
what it's about.
Sir H : Emissions, Minister.
Minister: Of course. Er ....
Sir H : From diesel engines. The EU is seeking to
restrict them.
Minister: Really? Why?
Sir H : Pollution. Minister.
Minister: Ah, yes. Vitally important, Humphrey.
Global warming. Rio Conference. Undertakings. Got to do something about it all.
Must get on with it.
Sir H : Yes, Minister, or course, Despite the
letters?
Minister: Letters?
Sir H : You've had scores of them, Minister.
Minister: Saying it's about time we lived up to the
undertakings we made at Rio?
Sir H : Not exactly, Minister. They all seem to want
an exemption.
Minister: An exemption? What for?
Sir H : Traditional craft, Minister.
Minister: Ah, yes, heritage. We have to take good
care of that. We can't let these Eurocrats trample over the traditions of the
kinds of boats used by Shakespeare. The tourist industry would never forgive
us.
Sir H : Well, Minister, it doesn't go quite that far
back..
Minister: Don't quibble, Humphrey. How far back does
the waterways system go?
Sir H : About 250 years, Minister.
Minister: All right. Can we give them an exemption
for any surviving engines from then?
Sir H : But there weren't any powered craft then,
Minister.
Minister: So what's their complaint?
Sir H : They want protection for the sort of engines
that were used when engines were first brought in.
Minister: And when was that ?
Sir H : About 1912, Minister.
Minister: All right. We'll give protection to the
engine on any boat built before the First World War.
Sir H : I really don't think that will satisfy them,
Minister.
Minister: Why on earth not?
Sir H : They want to preserve the engines that were
used in what they call the hey-day of canal carrying.
Minister: Ah, yes. I see the point. And when was the
hey-day of canal carrying, Humprhrey?
Sir H : The 1840s, Minister.
Minister: And what sort of engines did they use
then, Humphrey?
Sir H : Horses, Minister. And a few donkeys. And
Mules.
Minister: Then that's what they ought to go back to.
Sir H : Well, that's a possibility, Minister.
Minister: Obvious answer, Humphrey. Don't understand
why they ever brought in engines in the first place.
Sir H : Well, Minister, it was partly the need to
compete against the railways.
Minister: Ah, a last-ditch attempt to preserve an
out-moded industry. We in New Labour can't be seen to have any truck with that.
Sir H : Very well, Minister. So that will be our
policy, then?
Minister: Yes, Humphrey....... Just a minute. What
about the towpaths?
Sir H : Towpaths, Minister?
Minister: Yes, Humphrey. Don't think I'm totally
ignorant. If we're going to make them go back to horse power, won't they need
decent towpaths?
Sir H : Well, yes, Minister.
Minister: Isn't that going to cost money?
Sir H : Well, Minister, that's part of the attraction
of the proposal. British Waterways ....
Minister: Who are they?
Sir H : The nationalised industry that runs the
canals, Minister. They're responsible to you.
Minister: Ah, yes, of course. Do go on, Humphrey.
Sir H : Well, Minister, BW have been immensely
successful in recent years in palming off the maintenance of towpaths to local
authorities.
Minister: But surely they'll need upgrading for all
these horses? Won't we have to pay for that out of taxation?
Sir H : Yes and no, Minister.
Minister: How do you mean?
Sir H : Yes, they will need upgrading, but no, we
won't have to pay for it out of taxation. It will all come out of the Council
Tax.
Minister: And the Local Authorities will have to
take the blame?
Sir H : Yes, Minister.
Minister: So by banning all powered craft on the
waterways, we can make a great gesture of European solidarity, satisfy the
environment lobby, preserve the historic integrity of our waterways heritage,
and somebody else has to foot the bill and answer to their own local
electorate?
Sir H : Exactly, Minister.
Minister: Right we'll do that then
Sir H : Yes, Minister.
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