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Remains of a wooden working narrowboat have been excavated
on the Isle of Man, just outside Douglas. Indeed, earthy parts of Man were over
the board. Time Team were flown in to investigate, working under the
clandestine title of The Isle of Man TT. The boat was found to be most
unusual in that it was bent slightly to the right, the left side was slightly
higher than the right, and it was lined in copper sheet. Also, strangely, it
had a trap door in the bottom.
Tony Robinson and his team, especially the loud bearded
bloke and the woman with the nice bum, were delighted to find that the boat was
actually sitting in the bottom of a buried lock. But, was there a canal on Man?
Aerial photographs were taken, and indeed, what was originally thought to be a
moat right around the island turned out to be a very rare circular waterway.
(But then, why would they build a moat around an island? It’s already
surrounded by water!)
It was then discovered that there was only one lock on the
entire length of circular canal. Indeed the team were most amazed to find that
the canal bed was not quite level, and descended gently along its entire
length, making a drop of about 6ft where it met itself again. A One Way
Clockwise Boating Only sign was also uncovered.
To add to the investigative perplexity, the foundations of a
steel boat turntable were next discovered just above the lock. This led to
three side channels, in the shape of the Isle of Man logo, each arm having once
been full of similar boats. The foundations of horse stables were uncovered,
and the remains of some dead horses. But these were not boat horses. They were
pedigree racing horses. Rotting harnesses designed to hold eight horses at a
time were next uncovered.
At this point a sleeping cell of the WRG, known as the
Manfreds was activated on the island for the first time. They dug up several
more One Way signs, all pointing downhill at various points around the ring.
Rather than do any further work, they sat down exhausted in the nearest bar,
and worked out what it was all about. They came to the following conclusions.
The boats were obviously Water Boats. The system was as
follows. The bottom trap door of a boat on the lower side of the lock was
opened allowing water to flow into the copper-lined hold. The door was closed
just before the boat sank. The boat was then rapidly llocked through to the
higher level. The trap door was again opened, and the higher density water from
the lower level was let out of the hold into the upper level. The empty boat
was quickly hitched to a team of eight racehorses who then towed it at a higher
speed around the circle than the water could flow. This was vital. On reaching
the lock once more, the operation was repeated ad infinitum.
To keep the canal open and to prevent the lower part of the
canal from overflowing, this operation had to be repeated by at least twenty
boats 24/7, year after year. The canal company, being so busy running around in
circles, had no time to actually carry any useful goods. So, shareholders lost
their deposits, and the canal was eventually dewatered and abandoned.
However, to publicise this new and exciting canal project,
it has been suggested that the 2008 IWA National Rally should be held on the
newly named Manky Canal. When this was reported to the CUDDLY BUBBLY News Team,
someone, looking at a wall map stated that they couldn’t find Man.
“No, Man is an Island,” our editor informed them knowledgably, to
which we all added in unison, “SO IS MAN!!!”
Toe Knee H a.k.a Tony Haynes
Originally written
for Cuddly Bubbly the late-night spoof edition of the Newsletter at the
2006 "National" at Beale Park. |
