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HUMOUR

THE GENEVA & TICINO CANAL

by Sean Neill

A connection between the fertile agricultural and industrial area of the Po Valley and the north and west of Europe has been desirable since Hannibal had his little difficulty in importing elephants across the Rubicon, but it fell to the famous expatriate Scottish engineer, Zerubbabel McAstle, to achieve this feat. McAstle's innovative triumphs over extreme terrain had permanent effects on Alpine culture, though little of his work is easily visible today. The operating company, the GeneverundTicinomixenverhkehrsamt, became generally known as the 'G&Tmixer'.

McAstle decided to approach the central spine of the Alps via the Rhone and Ticino valleys; because the fast-flowing rivers tended to flood at snow-melt he built conventional lateral canals, which were plentifully fed with water by the many tributaries. By allowing a considerable amount of water movement into and out of the canals via spillways he was able to limit the icing problem. As might be expected, the locks and other structures were stone-built and of great solidity.

A completely different solution had to be adopted to the central Furka and St. Gotthard passes; locks were clearly impractical here. McAlpine decided that the boats should be raised to the summit of each pass by aerial ropeways, on which they were suspended in specially designed cradles. The slopes were steep enough for the boats to be launched down specially cut tracks in the snow from the top; steering was by steel-tipped rudders in the normal position, though it was soon found that specially designed double bow rudders were more effective. As the boatmen found the name Zerubbabel unpronounceable, it was transmogrified to 'Bob' and the boats became known, from the hazardous downwards trip as 'Bob-slayers'. Just as the British aristocracy had transformed the rude world of the the Thames watermen into the sporting duel of the boat race, a visiting peer, Lord Handa of Abet, saw the sporting possibilities of the G & T boats. He had smaller, lighter versions of the carrying boats built, and changed the name slightly in order to popularise the sport. However it is notable that bob-slayers still use the vigourous language of their commercial ancestors, and indeed the names of the passes have become generally used expletives among boatmen, sportsmen and others across Europe.

This part of the canal made a deep impression on all who used it - so deep that the canal company had to set up shelters where boatmen could absorb some Dutch courage before undertaking both the upward part of the journey (where loaded boats made the ropeway creak and sway so much that they were called 'gondolas', a term which has stuck to their successors) and the downward part. For this the company invented heated gluhwein to be drunk both at the top of the pass, to ensure that the boatmen were warm enough to maintain some control, and at the bottom, to restore them to operational status and minimise the effects of frostbite. It is from these shelters that the apres-ski movement has originated.

With the coming of railways McAstle vigourously pursued contracts for the new transport system; for publicity purposes he changed his name by deed poll to McAlpine to draw attention to his record of expertise in civil engineering. The twin pressures of the railways and the objections of aristocratic sportsmen to their activities being interrupted by boats under the dubious control of intoxicated 'gondoliers' led to the sections of the route over the high passes being taken over by sporting interests. The Swiss Army siezed on the locks as ready-made command bunkers, roofing them over for protection and concealment and erasing all sign of the channel so they could not be traced by an enemy. Though there is no apparent sign of the canal, the locks continue to serve a vital strategic purpose; the industrial archeologist attempting to investigate near a group of soldiery gathered in an apparently featureless piece of countryside will find himself dissuaded with extreme politeness and firmness form carrying on his researches. Indeed the sudden and mysterious disappearence of members of the canal industrial archeological community may be attributable to the Internetzpolizei who are responsible for maintaining the security of these bunkers.

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This page was up-loaded on 30 September 2000, and last up-dated (layout only) on 29 January 2002

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Originally written as a posting to the newsgroup uk.rec.
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Copyright, © Sean Neill, 1999