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Uncle Mort: Now then, Carter.
Carter: Eyup, Uncle Mort. What's up? You look proper
fed up.
UM: I am that, lad. Reading this "Grimthorpe
Evening Sentinel" has given me a right old turn, I don't mind saying.
C: Why, what's it say? Let's have a look. Is it this
on't front page? "Grimthorpe Flat Cap Mills to close. Unable to cope with
the American baseball cap scourge. 600 to lose jobs. No prospect of
re-employment for any of them."
UM: Nay, lad, that's the sort of story you expect to
see in a proper Northern newspaper. A reassuring bit of gloom and misery with
your pig's trotter for tea is just what you want, and expect. Nay, take a look
at page 2.
C: "Anderton Boat Lift re-opens" What's that
about then?
UM: A few years back, that boat lift were just a heap
of rusting scrap metal on the river bank. Just the sort of thing you'd expect
to find in a traditional Northern post-industrial setting. The sort of
neglected eyesore that let you know you're not in Surrey or any other of them
places down South.
Now some meddler's had the thing done up and turned into a
fairground ride for Southerners in boats. I've nivver heared owt so daft.
They'll be coming up from Leatherhead and Sevenoaks, spending their money,
creating employment, and ruining the place.
And that's not the end of it. They've opened a canal from
Huddersfield to Manchester. Decent folk from Mytholmroyd and Cleckheaton,
who've never known a day's happiness in their lives, are going to be encouraged
to get into boats and have fun. It's not natural, Carter, not natural at all.
There's another canal going through Rochdale being messed
about with. Where are people going to put old bikes if the canal's full of
boats, Carter? Answer me that. All this happiness and employment will be the
end of Rochdale. Can you imagine the place full of happy buggers with wage
packets in their pockets? Of course you can't. The place'll nivver be t'same
again. They'll be turning tripe shops into them sushi bars next.
If it carries on like this, you'll never be able to buy a
pie with mushy peas and mint sauce again.
They're even on about a canal to Bolton and Bury. Bloody
Bury, Carter! I just don't know what' going on any more, I really don't.
C: I suppose you're right, Uncle Mort. Eyup, It's six
o'clock. I'll put the telly news on for you. That's usually good and miserable.
UM: You're a good lad, Carter.
Telly: "Blackpool to be transformed into casino
capital of Europe. Hundreds of new jobs. Massive growth potential...."
UM: Bloody hell, Carter! |
