| A is
for answering machine : |
|
|
(1) a useful device
which takes messages when its humans are out. |
|
|
(2) a devilish device
which prevents instant, live, gratifying delivery of an ear-full. |
| B is
for bath : |
|
|
(1) where the Field
Officer occasionally has the effrontery to be when the member wishes to speak
to him NOW . |
|
|
(2) where the Field
Officer needs to be for a small part of the day if he or his wife are to go on
living with him. |
| C is
for case : |
|
|
(1) the member's own
~, that which should be the Field Officer's sole raison d'être, 25
hours a day, 8 days a week |
|
|
(2) someone else's
~, frivolity with which the Field Officer diverts himself to the
detriment of (1) above. |
|
...and for
client : |
|
|
the source of (a) work and
income (b) British Telecom profits. |
| D is
for distress (members') : |
|
|
the cause of most of the
entries here |
| E is
for education : |
|
|
(1) that which is
least considered by Education Authorities. |
|
|
(2) the experience of
being a Field Officer's wife. |
| F is
for Field Officer : |
|
|
a harmless drudge, expected
to work miracles although less intelligent, informed, forceful and willing than
the client's colleagues from other unions, next-door neighbour, vet, parent,
spouse, child or gerbil. |
| G is
for goal : |
|
|
(1) something entirely
unthought of by client. |
|
|
(2) If (1) does not
apply, the public execution, following spectacular humiliation in glorious
Technicolor of the opponent(s). |
|
Own
goal : what the member has achieved the day before contacting the Field
Officer. |
| H is
for headteacher : |
|
|
all too often a Good Woman or
Man, but a Bad Thing. The cause of D. |
|
...and for
home : the Field Officer's workplace, where members know he
can be contacted between 10pm and 8am. |
| I is
for in : |
|
|
where the Field Officer
isn't, usually. |
|
... and for
"I'm not 'phoning them tonight" : what the Field
Officer says to his wife/answerphone when he gets in from another case after
10pm. |
| J is
for journey : |
|
|
means by which the Field
Officer deliberately wastes, at 'bus stops and on station platforms, trains and
'buses, time when he ought to be available at the end of a telephone. |
|
.... and for
job : what the Field Officer's wife tries to fit in between
his 'phone calls. |
| K is
for knowledge : |
|
|
useless information which the
Field Officer allows to place difficulties in the way of sheer intuition.
However, the Field Officer never has as much convenient knowledge as the
client's schoolkeeper, or the school representative of another Union. |
| L is for
lawyers : |
|
|
(1) people who are not
always what they should be, i.e. 300% on one's side |
|
|
(2) rather like WW2
battleships: if the other side's using them then you've got to, but otherwise
they're of more use as a veiled threat over the horizon. |
| M is
for meetings : |
|
|
gatherings at which the Field
Officer neglects the opportunity to slay the enemy and indulges in the shameful
pretence that the opposition consists of human beings. |
| N is
for Nature, calls of : |
|
|
selfishness in which a Field
Officer should never indulge, especially very early in the morning when a
client might wish to 'phone to find out what further developments the Field
Officer might have heard of since 11:45 the night before. |
| O is
for opponents : |
|
|
dyed-in-the-wool villains
about whom the Field Officer obstreperously wishes to know something before
consigning them to perdition. |
|
... and for
out of area cases : the ones HQ loves to send. |
| P is for pay. |
|
.... and for
peanuts. |
| Q is
for queue : |
|
|
what the field officer and
his wife (who is a Branch Secretary) form for the telephone every evening. |
| R is
for reason : |
|
|
wet blanket thrown by the
Field Officer over a client's inspired suspicion of collusion, treason and
plot. |
| S is
for salary : |
|
|
from the Latin word for
salt. See P above. |
| T is
for teacher : |
|
|
admirable individual sorely
tried by D, F and H above. |
| U is
for Union : |
|
|
an organisation which seeks
to help other people's employees at the expense if its own. |
| V is
for violence : |
|
|
vice exhibited by a teacher
preventing pupils from killing each other. Pupils killing each other exhibit
not violence but artistic and sensitive temperament. |
| W is
for wife, Field Officer's : |
|
|
insignificant being
occasionally replacing answering machine. Can be held responsible for most of
Field Officer's shortcomings. Strangely temperamental and presumptuous:
sometimes. Sounds surprised when a client asks for the Field Officer, almost as
though she actually expected the call to be the one she was waiting for. |
| X is for x :: |
|
|
the unknown. Often a piece of
information taken for granted and ignored by the client, the very straw the
Field Officer needs for the bricks of a solid case. |
| Y is for Yahoo : |
|
|
anyone who fails to express
at all times 300% faith in the client's probity, administrative capacity,
sanctity, faith, hope, charity, beauty, artistry, philosophy, theosophy,
asceticism, anti-racism, feminism, liberalism, pointillism ....... Field
Officer's wives sometimes sound like Yahoos after 10:30 pm. |
| Z is for Zzzzzzzzzz... : |
|
|
what the Field Officer is
entitled to after closing the client's case. |
